Sad Truisms For Life In The West

– Your thoughts are your own, unless they are of interest to marketing firms.

– You may believe whatever you want to believe, as long as those deviant thoughts reside solely in your mind. You are free to believe anything, even things that are divergent from the white, christian, capitalist male power structure– but do not act upon them. “Acting upon them” is defined as anything requiring more effort than is required to close the browser window in which said deviant philosophies reside. Penalties may range from light ridicule to several years incarceration.

– You have the right to petition the government for redress of grievances, unless these grievances are with any federal law-enforcement agency. In order to save taxpayer money, your grievance will be summarily dismissed in order to dispense with the tedious process of making federal agents appear in court, considering that no judge will ever rule against any federal law enforcement agency or its employees. If in fact your grievance does not involve a federal law enforcement agency, you have the right to have your grievance heard and subsequently dismissed after a long and costly pre-trial process.

-You have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. If you have a badge, you have the right to other people’s lives, liberties and actual happiness.

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