Browsing tumblr for all of thirty seconds netted me a moderately re-posted diatribe aimed at a positively ancient joke, wherein the author of the diatribe either doesn’t understand that said joke is not actually utilized as a serious philosophical attack on body modification, body image politics or gender oriented philosophy. Or they may be operating under the delusion that an amateur “postmodern critique” of a crusty “old people making fun of young people” type joke has any merit outside of facile external validation from an insular peer group.
If you have to ask “Does this make me a bad person?” or “Am I wrong for thinking…?”, it probably does. If your intent is to offer a serious critique and/or condemnation of a particular aspect of social conservatism, the energy expended on your “heroic defense of freedom of choice” would be better utilized if it were not directed at a soft, easy target like an unfunny, widely forwarded joke about a punk rocker and a parrot. The audience for this joke consists of aging social conservatives who have interacted and are uncomfortable with young people who are comfortable with their body image to openly express themselves. It is not being distributed as a part of a larger intimidation and propaganda campaign.
Wasting your time on bad jokes only paints you as an unfunny, touchy, tedious cretin who cannot comprehend the concept of “humor” outside of all jokes being a form of rape or physical assault– and as one who finds critique of more worthy items too challenging.
No, I’m not linking to it or reblogging it.
IF YOU DON’T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, DON’T TRY TO BE FUNNY.
FUCK ‘EM IF THEY CAN’T TAKE A JOKE.
I have come to the earth shattering conclusion that Coast to Coast AM is little more than a collection of people with very little familiarity with science attempting to:
-Comprehend the as-yet unexplained world around them with fairy stories
-Use what little knowledge they may have of the scientific method to “do science” to these fairy stories in order to make them sound like they have some sort of academic worth.
Case in point: tonight featured a segment about spontaneous human combustion, wherein the guest postulated that spontaneous human combustion could be the result of the atoms of water molecules inside the human body being split into hydrogen and oxygen, thus producing a release of stored energy.
Callers suggested that what might happening is that all of the sodium in the human body— in the form of salt— reacted poorly with the water and produced a typical sodium-water reaction, namely an explosion. The caller did know that salt and sodium are two different materials, but didn’t understand that sodium doesn’t simply “have one extra particle” to it and can’t just freely disassociate itself from chlorine to form pure sodium. If that was the case, the formation of pure chlorine in the body would probably kill the person faster than the sodium-water explosion would, and even then there are a myriad other substances for the sodium to bond with.
The guest then went on to theorize that instead what may be happening in spontaneous human combustion is a release of such tremendous energy that a quantum entanglement event may actually be occurring. This, unfortunately, does not satisfy any inquiry as to why an event of such astonishing cosmic significance that it cannot yet be produced in the largest particle accelerators happens in the extremely localized and absurdly specific location of inside a random human being and does not go on to affect the surrounding twenty-mile vicinity.
So, to explain the burning deaths of people who most likely died as a result of prosaic means (candles, cigarettes, electric blankets), people will utilize every single explanation regardless of its plausibility. The biggest question is not why people spontaneously combust, but why people honestly believe nuclear fission is capable of occurring inside peoples’ bodies.
All moderately successful or popular activist movements will, like apex marine predators, attract pilot-fish, remoras and other scavengers who will use the momentum of the parent movement as a means to further their own cause without performing the work of the hunt. These scavenger groups will also use their proximity with the parent group to imply tacit endorsement by the parent group even if the parent group is wholly unaware of the scavenger groups’ actions.
In some cases– notably, when the parent group creates secondary or child groups– the scavenger groups will use this time to claim some form of lineage with the parent group, even though none exists. The scavenger groups will cite the age of their groups’ existence, as well as a more “pure” adherence to the parent group’s dogma. At some point, the scavenger group may engage in a form of combat or struggle with the legitimate offspring of the parent group for whatever “rights” or “honor” they feel is owed to them, even though the child groups may be hewing closer to the intent of the parent group than any scavenger group can be capable of doing.
The aims of the scavenger groups will be stated to be identical to those of the parent group, but the actual product will merely be the exoteric purpose of subsistence of the scavenger group, rather than whatever purpose the parent group may have. In this course, the scavenger group may engage in fraud, slander or other underhanded tactics to further its existence, even if the members of the scavenger group do not consciously profess to be engaging in these practices.
The scavenger groups rarely, if ever, aid the parent group– but the antics and bad behavior of the scavenger groups has repeatedly hindered the work of the parent group, if not contributing to the parent groups’ overall downfall. The parent group must mitigate the deleterious effects of scavenger groups if the parent group wishes to succeed. The parent group must also not devote a disproportionate amount of effort to this mitigation, lest it lose control of its purpose.
Well, here then is a predictable missive about how this is just another episode in the gigantic fantasy television play that is our life. Perfectly scripted. Of couse, I’m playing my part too, offering up the joykilling skepticism that exists to temper the runaway exuberance of our team winning the championship or cup or golden calf. Look, life, even in its most unpredictable moments, is still predictable. We have a few centuries of written data to suggest how we as a whole and we as individuals might respond in certain situations, so this coming predictability was predictable in and of itself. Meta-predictability. What a world.
I have watched too many B-movies about dystopian futures to not know how this will all play out:
-Media will produce more analyses and “ground breaking exclusives” within the space of a week than there are hours in a month.
-Game studios will break their fucking necks to produce Call Of Duty: Abbottabad
-Two big movie studios will produce documentary-style “adapted from true events” feature films about this, while every other studio will scramble to produce formulaic Rambo-style movies where one oily muscleman kills every terrorist in the world with his glistening pecs. The only difference will be the amount of tannerite and gasoline used in the explosions.
-Pundits and other people who are paid to emit noises for an hour while a camera is pointed at them will argue the merits of not torturing Osama to death, not being brutal enough, and how the entirety of western society is wholly in the pocket of Islam because the SEAL team of professional killers acted as professions would be expected to act and handled the body according to Islamic law.
-Good ol’ boys will drink just enough sterno to get their dander up, finally figger out that since th’ moozlimes aint got thr pope leader feller no more, they be all set t’ tell them ragheads what done fired em from the gas station what fer. They will display true Aryan courage and virtue by drunkenly blundering up to their local mosque or masjid and scrawling hateful messages that would be truly threatening if they were only spelled correctly. Perhaps one of these proud pro-democracy vanguardists will attempt to set fire to or otherwise vandalize these inanimate buildings, in their delirium that destroying a building really does damage a thought process.
-The streets will be filled with people who are generally apolitical, but in the absence of a winning sports team have a deep need to satisfy their desire to hoot and holler while hanging from lightposts.
Obama’s speech wasn’t very long. Given to a quiet room of cameras, the local stations have already taken Obama’s speech and mixed in cheering and crowd noises. I’m certain the crowd singing the National Anthem had absolutely nothing (read: absolutely everything) to do with its placement in the background of one of the slower portions the speech. The packaging and shrink-wrapping has begun even before Osama’s exit wounds have had time to cool. Here’s your Enemy Of Democracy ™, packed when picked to preserve flavor and freshness. Fine execution, although I could wish for the news stations to hire producers with a little more mixing acumen; whomever WTOP has as its overnight producer apparently couldn’t stop masturbating with a flag long enough to wipe his patriotic red-white-and-blue jism off the console to realize that a crowd of a thousand drunken frat boys chanting U S A detracted from the overall gravity of the statement. Oh well, that’s what you get. Next time.
This will be the summer of victory parades, with the Decisive Event happening right on schedule before the start of summer. This way, the National Mall can be packed full of Authentic Military Gadgets before the summer heat can set in. Muncie, Zanesville, San Jon and Rolla can all have their own National Days where everyone can feel good about waving a flag again.
The heat will come. The thunderstorms will wash out the humidity and the pollen, the sun will shine and the earth will continue to rotate about its axis.